woah.

so life lately, its been pretty boring, ya notice?
...spanish club party tom. haha... uhm then me and ash. and joe get to film our fun video. haha.


So, I've been working on my application for the United World College, it's pretty intense and I doubt I will get in, but there's really no point in not trying. If I do get accepted I get to live in a castle in the mountains for two years, pretty cool right?


SADD dance is this saturday, you should probably go. =]
I'll be there, but won't be able to dance all too much because I agreed to help out quite a bit.
Anyways, halloween is this friday, that's always fun.
Joann wants me to take her trick-or-treating, so i might do that. Then I have some volunteering I have to do until midnight I assume. I might leave early to go to a party, just depends on how much stuff needs to get done for YIPEE.
....Sunday, I have community service for......4 hours. geesh.

Uhm. I've been noticing how much some things are bothering me lately i suppose. For instace I think it's stupid that "im not allowed" to be friends with some people? yeah that's kind of crazy but whatever floats your boat.
And school is getting on my nerves, anatomy is getting easier, alg. 2 not so much. and i dont even have much to write about anymore so im just rambling on about absolutley nothing.

O0h, funny story.
so today i brought ashley and devin back to my house to hang out for a while before devin had to work...well, my mom got home before I thought she would so Devin had to hide in my closet for like 25 minutes. When my mom finally decides to go to the bathroom we pull him out and make him go outside and run to my car and lay down in the backseat...so I told my mom i was going to ashley's house then we just went and hung out in metamora.
....guess it was funnier if u were here.

=]

Love?

So, I have no idea whether or not I believe in love. One one hand, i think i might strongly believe in it, but am incredibly afraid of it. And on the other hand, I think it might be a joke and a made up emotion that people crave for their entire life.

So, when my dad was murdered I pretty much decided that the world was too cruel of a plac for love to exist in, it was just a cold, heartless place crawling with immortal hatred. Well then I meet this boy, and we date for a year and a half, and I thought I "loved" him, I was so happy.
Well after a year a half of dating, he breaks up with me a week after the two of us watch my grandpa die of cancer. I was crushed, depressed, just plain sad.
And looking back, I think, maybe I didn't "love" him.. maybe it was just the high school romance that every melodramatic teen interprets their feelings for the opposite sex as? But I also still feel strong emotion for this boy, is that love? Or is it because he was in my life for so long and Im having a hard time moving on??

I don't want to be the "scrooge of love"..so I need some opinions.. Is this emotion real, and if it is, is it normal to be afraid of it? I mean I can't even tell my family that I love them, and I don't think that's normal?

ugh.

pick us the pace

Mk.
anyone notice, im seriously not happy lately?
idk, this time of year comes along and so does the feeling of something missing.
I hate winter and Christmas so much, it's the most depressing unhappy time of the year. No it's not the hap hap hapiest time for me. =[
anywho i suppose im gonna get pretty honest right here. get pissed at me if u want.


I think evergreen is dumb, wait no, the people, they are dumb.
It's bullshit that the someone who does drugs is the president of art club.. yeah because that's really someone i want to look up to?
And hey, idiots, don't join SADD if you drink and smoke and do other dumb shit, that's like mocking the whole point of the club, so quit acting like you're so god damn perfect and go fly a kite.
For all you people who talk about your sex life in school, guess what? Nobody cares. Wow you went out and got laid, not something that we're going to give you a round of applause for so I dont really give a shit whether you like it on top or bottom.


Yeah, sometimes things just kind of irritate me =]

Almost forgot...

Since my aunt is moving to Qatar, she is flying me out there over spring break.
It's a country above Saudi Arabia.
And since i was going to california over break, im probably going there in the winter. So im pretty excited for upcoming vacations. =]

=] my weekend

This weekend has been pretty great.

My cousin's wedding was yesterday, and it was amazing. Everything was all "fall" themed, it was very pretty. The food was delicious and I love being with my family, they are quite nifty.
One thing that sucked about being there, weddings seriously make you feel lonely if you're single. I talked to rick [my aunts bf] while i was there and he gave me some really good advice. so i decided. im applying for the UWC scholarship. Leaving for a boarding school will be more beneficial in my future...Even though I will be missing out on my senior year, I think going to New Mexico is gonna be awesome.

I left the wedding early to go to a party with katelyn, but she never called me back so I went to Chris Delabona's house for a bonfire.Dakota and Caleb had to walk down the street to direct me there because Chris cannot give directions, lol.
It was a pretty great time, alotta people were there::Alex, Caleb, Chris B, Chris D, Jake,Jake's gf, Wes, Kelsey, Dakota, Zack S, Josh B, Kyle.
So my sis leaves her money in my pocket and makes me leave the bonfire to bring it to her..so I picked up joe and steven while i was out and brough them back.
We stayed for a while and then went to walmart, and then to a cemetary..gate was closed, it's never effing closed. i was pissed.So i took them home around midnight then came back to my gmas and crashed.

All in all i guess i had a pretty decent weekend.....
....some things pissed me off but it'll blow over.

haha =] life sucks.

blaah. ever sit around and wonder "what if" and it just makes you feel shitty. please someone smack me .

Today was pretty eventful... school. haunted house. mall. sv game. ashley's.now im just chilling at my grandmas..kind of bored now though.

So, I write poetry to let things go, i guess you could say?...so here's a poem. enjoy.:::::

The only promises you can ever trust are the ones you make
The only heart you'll ever heal is the one you can't break
The only questions left unanswered are the ones you never ask
The only chance you have at a future is by forgetting the past
The only love you will ever know is the love you've lost
The only way you'll cope with time is by paying time's cost
The only way you will embrace strength is by learning how to loose
The only abuse that provides meaning is when it leaves a bruise
The only fear you need to conquer is the fear to live
The only way you can receive is by learning how to give
The only door that will open is the one you take the effort to pull
The only time you'll quit being an actor is when you give up the role
The only truth you should embrace is the truth you don't want to hear
The only weakness that makes you stronger is the weakness you cant bare
The only fantasy you'll ever encounter is the fantasy that you dream
The only way you'll accept reality is when you figure out that life
is not always as it seems


So yeah, kind of long. but when I can't figure out what to say, a pencil and paper never fails me. Imma nerd like that.

So i am probably moving to either New Mexico//England//Italy to go to a boarding school called United World College. It's a 2 year school to go to before college, where you get a lot of secondary education and it's really good for your future. Plus you meet a bunch of people from around the world, and over the weekends you do community service.
So I got a letter to apply for the Davis Merit scholarship, and if I am one of the 25 that get selected to go to UWC-USA then they pay for everything, tuition, room and board, books..or if im one of the 25 that get selected to go to one of their other campuses in another county then I think i'm going to go.
Missing my senior year of high school sounds pretty brutal, but this is the chance of a lifetime and i dont think im going to pass it up...Apparently I have a lot of thinking to do.

My very first blog!

So today, pretty good. Picked up alex, then went to wasueon to the skate demo. Hung out with alex, ashley, devin, drew, joe, kit, wes, steven, jake, shannon...and that little punk kid. lmfao.

So i'm really hoping that life picks up pretty soon, things aren't going as well as i'd like them to be. My sister left, and she still won't talk to me, even though i've done nothing wrong. She found new family with her boyfriend's family, and that just kind of doesn't feel too good on me.
My aunt, who has been like a mom to me is moving to a country in the middle east for a year for a job.

And yet again, in the end of all of the shit, I'll realize that i've learned my lessons and have come out a better person. Still sometimes, I wish it were easier, just simple for once.



anywho, so my friend just got dumped, bummer. break ups suck but it's nothing to get too worked up over.. trust me, i know.
I dated this dude for a year and a half, and outta nowhere he breaks up with me. I was devestated, i got "there's other fish in the sea" "it's not the end of the world" I was just like mk shut the fuck up im depressed. soo.. i did really dumb things.
I cut myself thinking that i could focus the pain somewhere else.
I layed out in the sun until i was sunburnt really bad so it would turn into a tan, i mean guy's love the tans right??
I puked myself in hopes to become skinner so he would want me back.

Point here is.. why would you waste all your time trying to fix all your imperfections to become perfect for someone when you shouldn't have to spend any time at all, just by being yourself and just hope that someone comes along who's gonna like that.
just some food for thought if ur ass ever gets dumped as bad as mine did.